"He-ey, be careful, approach her from the front, the dinosaurs feel threatened if you approach from the side."
"All I care about is the eggs, I heard fried dino eggs are delicious.
"Doctor Dufree has just finished resurrecting them, and you immediately want to hunt them to the extinction?"
"Whatever fills my belly with that delicious dino meat. I have paid a trillion dollars to fund this operation so that I could have the most exclusive quisine in the world, and your little moral hangups won't stop me."
Empty old manor, three kids run away from zombies.
"Run, I will protect you!" screams Steve, a nerdy kid, as he jumps in fromt of Mona, his crush. "Run after us, you idiot!" screams Mona.
The zombie swipes at Steve, but Daniel, the group's jock, tackles Steve out of the way just in time. The gang keeps running.
Another zombie crashes through the door, and begins slowly stumbling towards them. "Hide behind me, Mona, I'll protect you!" screams Steve.
Mona raises her eyebrow "Dude, this zombie is not even close, he'll reach us in like 5 minutes. Just go already."
"Aren't you impressed that I'm heroically sacrificing myself in the name of love?" pouts Steve, but follows along.
They reach the door, and open it into a dusty corridor covered in spider webs.
"Eeew, a spider!" Mona flicks it from her shoulder.
Steve falls on it dramatically, like jumping on a grenade. "Run, my love! Don't think about me, just go! All I ask is that you remember my glorious sacrifice!"
Mona rolls her eyes and keeps walking, After a beat, Steve awkwardly shuffles up to his feet and follows.
[[CR-2024-08-04]]
A vampire castle is a massive shadow outlined by moonlight. Inside, empty dark hallways covered in spider webs. At the end of one hallway, warm light comes from the bathroom, sounds of splashing and singing.
In the bathroom, a chubby old man with a crooked nose sings as he's taking a shower. Starts with quiet humming, but gets more and more into it, until he screams into the shower head like a rock musician at a concert.
He's in the middle of a sick air guitar riff when a dark, pale figure stalks into the room. "What in damnation are you doing, Squidge?"
"Oh, greetings, master! Just taking a shower."
"Your mirth is unwelcome in these dark halls. We dwell in solitude, contemplating the emptiness of our rotten souls, not sing and dance like teen girls."
"With all due respect, master, this is a weekend. I worked hard serving you during the week, now I relax in my time off. Work hard play hard, you know?"
"There's no such thing as time off when you are bound to serve your vampire lord for all of eternity! Cease this at once!"
"With all due respect, my lord, I beg the differ. Haven't you met with our union rep yet? We, minions, now have weekends, dental insurance, even paid vacations!"
Flames of rage burn in the vampire's eyes. "I will destroy you for such insolence!"
"And then what? Fetch your own slippers, polish your own coffin, torture your own prisoners? All by yourself? Times are changing, milord, if you want to have subservient minions, you need to provide good working conditions, otherwise I'll explore my opportunities elsewhere. I did get a very appealing offer from the Romanian Werewolf who terrorizes several local villages. Please close the door on your way out, your horribleness."
The vampire growls with fury, and stalks off.
A dingy alley marketplace in a middle-eastern city. A chubby american tourist approaches a stand filled with tinctures, potions, strange skulls, and other sinister looking magic items.
An old witch with clumps of dirty hair greets him. "Come in, come in, stranger. Choose anything your heart desires."
The tourist looks through the wares. "Hmm, that fanged demon mask looks interesting, it would be fun to wear on haloween".
The witch cackles madly "Yes, yes, take the mask! Azazel yearns to be worn! But be careful, putting it on is much easier than taking it off."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, I just want something for my wife, she always complains if I don't bring her stuff from a business trip. How much is it?"
"Take it for free, it is yours!" cackles the witch.
"I don't even have to pay? Amazing, I love local customs." the tourist takes the mask and exits the shop.
"Oh, you'll pay," the witch whispers ominously, "you'll pay indeed."
Wind blows clouds of red dust through a small village on an alien planet. The bounty hunter lowers his visor, and jetpacks to the local cantina.
Inside, he approaches a sleazy alien merchant. "Glorb, I can't say it's a pleasure to meet you," he growls. Glorb sneers in response "Ah, Dangerous Dave. I assure you, displeasure is all mine."
"You've got something my boss needs," Dave advances menacingly. "And you will give it to me, or else."
"Hey, hey," Glorb steps back "No need for threats, I'm a businessman. Entrepreneur, much like yourself. We can trade. What do you want?" Glorb opens up his trenchcoat, revealing a wide array of various internal organs, each in a plastic bag with a pricetag on it. "I've got kidneys, baby kidneys, livers, nipple tentacles, amygdalas, those are at a discount if you buy two or more..."
"My boss needs his heart back. It was stolen from him during his rejuvenation retreat."
"Ah, but of course." Glorb reaches into an inner pocket, and pulls out a still-beating human heart, suspended in a murky yellowish liquid. "As good as new. Pretty small though, wouldn't you say? I can offer a younger, healthier one."
Dave grabs the heart "My boss is quite attached to the heart he has."
"That'll be 200 credits."
Dave pulls out a blaster and sticks it into the alien's nose "Come again?"
"But for you, of course, as a valued customer, it is only 50."
Dave twists the blaster, inserting it deeper "Do you have any extra heads under this trenchcoat? Because you might need one."
"On a second thought, take this one as a free sample," the alien smiles cloyingly.
Dave puts the heart into a freezing container, and jetpacks away, right through the roof of the cantina.
A colossal cathedral is illuminated by torches and moonlight. A group of hooded figures kneel in front of a gigantic snake statue. The enormity of the statue dwarfs everything around it, radiating the sense of dread and awe.
A lanky old man with a wispy unkempt beard raises his hands to the statue. "Oh, Serpentor, our lord and master! May your fangs be long and your skin scaly! Today we implore you to grant us your snake powers, so we may use them to defeat your enemies! In your honor, we bring you this gift!"
He snaps his fingers, and two hooded figures bring out a girl, who looks around in fear and struggles against her restraints. The emeralds of the snake's eyes dispassionately regard the scene.
The cult leader raises an ornate dagger over the girl's chest, preparing to strike.
An icy voice, like a thousand freezing whispers, thunders from the snake's mouth. "Hey, what in the s-s-seven hellsss are you doing?"
The cult leader stops his attack, the dagger inches away from the girl's heart. Regaining his composure, he replies, "I am sacrificing this maiden in the name of your glory, oh, the sinister one!"
"That's messsed up, man," the snake replies. "Did anyone asssk you to ssacrifice maidenss to me?"
The cult leader looks confused. "No, but I assumed..."
"Oh, he asssumed! What, just because I'm an eldritch ssnake god, I automatically mussst thirsst for the blood of virginss?"
"My humble apologies, your slitheriness. That's what we thought. Would you perhaps prefer a little boy, or an old lady?"
"Dude, you need to relaxsss," sighs the snake in frustration. "I just like to curl up on a warm boulder, and perhapss eat a mouse once in awhile. But you humanss look at me, and instantly assume the worsst. Honesstly, this iss bad for my ssnake-essteem. What am I, a monsster?"
The girl breaks free from the distracted cultists, and addresses the snake. "These guys are just jerks, don't mind them. I don't think you're a monster."
"See? She gets it." the emerald eyes emit two green laser beams, carefully cutting the ropes around the girl. "If you wish to praisse me, then lounge on a big rock, and bask in a warm sunbeam. Enjoy the warmth of the ssand as you wiggle through it. Or lay some eggss and raisse them well. Now sscatter, you foolss!"
The cultists cower in fear and flee.
The snake head turns to the girl. "Wanna play ssome ssnakes and ladderss?"
Thin line of a staircase winds its way up the snowy mountain peak. Exhausted young man finally reaches his destination - an ancient temple. Inside, an old kung fu master meditates.
"Master, I come here to seek your wisdom. I must avenge my father. How do I become the strongest warrior of all?".
The master slowly opens one eye. "You must harness the power of cheetos."
"Cheetos?" asks the young man in confusion.
"Cheetos. The spicy, crunchy, delicious potato chips that come in multiple flavors! As the ancient legends say, once you pop - you can't stop!"
"I don't understand, how is that supposed to help me to learn kung fu?"
"Some secrets are not for the mortals to know. Sometimes, the management says 'we have a new sponsor', and all that's left for the rest of us is to practice acceptance and patience."
"Wow, that is very wise of you, master." the young man writes it down. "Thank you for sharing your wisdom."
"That's what you get when you ask for advice in Chummy Cheetah's Temple. Brought to you by cheetos. Taste the crunch!" replies the master. A single tear streams down his cheek.
An adventure about a naive mammoth-barbarian who must rescue a farmer's cow from a huge sentient spider queen that is terrorizing the village.
Logline: A naive mammoth-barbarian (Torrok Strongtusk) must rescue an innocent farm girl from a huge sentient spider queen (Velsa) that is terrorizing the village.
Logline: An idealistic space-rebel (Eli) fights the evil Alliance to protect the last space-pirate outpost. The Alliance agents have obtained the drive with the coordinates of the space pirate base, and Eli has to infiltrate their flagship and destroy the drive, before their scientists manage to decrypt it.
Richly appointed room of an old manor - portraits, chandelier, taxidermy animal heads mounted on the wall. A man in a bathrobe sits in a fancy chair in front of the fireplace, smoking a pipe, reading a newspaper, drinking his evening wine. From the wall emerges a glowing ghost, he floats through the air, dangling his chains.
"Think about your sins and mistakes," the ghost boos, "redeem yourself, Wellington, before it is too late."
"Oh, Bartholomew, just the man I was looking for! Fetch me my fuzziest slippers, will you?" Wellington replies nonchalantly, without looking up from his newspaper.
"How dare you! I am a being from the great beyond, here to show you the error of your ways!" the ghost thunders in rage, the mounted animal heads on the wall begin to weep blood.
"Yes, yes, very menacing. But you want your allowance, don't you?" Wellington raises an eyebrow.
"Yes," the ghost growls abashedly.
"And between the two of us, who has purchased Microsoft shares in the 90s and made a fortune?"
"You did," the ghost lowers his head.
"So off you go then. Slippers, and, oh, another wine bottle, if you please. Be a good boy, and I might even let you haunt your own room in this house, for half the rent."
The ghost flits away. Wellington sips his wine. "Ahh. I love being rich."
Shady warehouse. Two goons guard the entrance.
"I don't think Jeff is one of us, I think he's an undercover cop," whispers one.
"It's 'police officer', you punk!"
"Um, yes, sorry, that's what I meant."
"You goddamn right, now hand me that doughnut!"
Elso (think Orlando Bloom) is at the top of his Ranger class in the Hero Academy of a big fantasy city. Garrick (think evil Michael Cera) is the least successful student. On their final exam (monster hunting through a fantasy forest) outshines Garrick in a humiliating way.
Shadowy figure (think fantasy Bruce Wayne), impressed by what he's seen at the exam, recruits Elso into Night Rangers - a secret league of vigilantes, protecting the city from the shadows.
Garrick, having failed the exam and expelled from the school, sneaks into school headmaster's office, and steals the Blood Ruby - an artifact capable of controlling monsters. He leaves for the Dark Mountains, and starts gathering an army of monsters (huge spiders, snakes, vampire bats, etc.)
At the climax, Elso must defeat the city from the monster army by stealthily stealing the Blood Ruby from Garrick.
Scene ideas:
Past the rivers of lava emerging from the active volcano, past the dead forests and lakes of tears, a little gnome snuk into the gaping maw of a cave in the side of the doom mountain. Sinister red glow illuminated his plump face and long white beard.
"Oh, gee, golly, what a journey it was!" whispered the gnome to himself "But as I always say, with a bit of elbowgrease and friendship, there's nothing you can't accomplish!"
He stepped deeper into the cave and gazed in wonder at all the glowing red crystals embedded into the walls. "Finally, the mana crystals! One of these babies can power my gadgets and doodads for years to come!" Excitedly, he pulled out a wrench from his backpack, and tried to pry one open.
In a puff of dust, an enormous demon appeared right next to him. "Who dares to steal the crystals of sin?"
"Oh, my! Aren't you a tough customer," the gnome looked up at the demon and gave him a friendly smile, "Hello Mr! Don't let me bother you, I am just here to get a little crystal for my workshop."
The demon laughed "Oh, you wish to power your gadgets with these crystals! Well why don't you just take one!" he pried one from the wall with his huge claw, "for free! You don't pay for the crystals here, not with the money, that is!"
"Gee, thanks for your help, mister! It's awful nice of you!" smiled the gnome and pocketed the pulsating red shard.
He walked out of the cave whistling a merry tune as the demon's laughs echoed behind him.
"I wonder if this fellow knows that we have invented crystal purifying tech years ago? My wife will love to use the sins extracted from this thing to power up her toaster oven."
The dunes of white sand surrounded two travelers on all sides. Jarl, a rugged nomad led the way as Garrick, his young companion, tried to keep up. Ahead of them, a colossal figure slowly emerged from under the sand.
"Oh, no!" whispered Garrick in stunned horror. "The sandsloth! What are we gonna do?"
Blood drained from Jarl's stern face. "We're gonna die," he said grimly, "nobody has seen the sandsloth and survived."
"There must be something! You have escaped from the black pits of Caldorum, you have saved the queen from the dagger-toothed devilbeasts! Hell, you have even defeated the King of Night! There must be something you can do to save us, I'm too young to die!" whined Garrick.
The sandsloth loomed over them like a mountain, and raised its paw for an attack, excruciatingly slowly.
"Look at how slow they are!" exclaimed Garrick.
"That only means we're gonna die slowly. The myths don't lie, our doom is as certain as it is terrible."
"I say, we run!" Garrick turned, and sprinted in the opposite direction from the sloth.
"Fine, if a slight glimmer of hope will brighten your last minutes in this cruel world." growled Jarl, and ran after.
Hours later, the giant figure of the sloth was nothing but a dark spot on the horizon. Jarl and Garrick sat around a small campfire, Jarlb lankly staring into the distance, Garrick preparing their stew.
Garrick looked at his mentor puzzled "Do you think we didn't have to lose the generations of sand nomads to the sloths, if they knew you don't have to give up, and can just run away?"
"Who knows," murmured Jarl "myths are a powerful force. Maybe we did believe in them a little too hard."
[WP] Write the most exciting story you can about the most boring profession you can imagine.
